I wake up from a sitting position on my couch and my living room lights are still on. Glancing at my wall clock I notice it’s 4:37am. As soon as I stand up a mental sledgehammer hits my parietal lobe and I do a Homer Simpson dance on my way back down to the couch. It’s at that same moment that I notice an awful aftertaste in my mouth: a combination of vodka, brandy, Bailey’s, butterscotch and is that Midori?!
I’m surrounded by ~20 of my friends and co-workers and I stand on a chair and shout,”Ok this is why I told all of you to bring a dollar. My co-worker has a relative who was diagnosed with cancer. My co-worker’s wife is part of a fund-raising effort called “Team in Training” to cure cancer. I want to help her so if you donate a dollar, I will match your dollar donation AND take a shot.”
“I’ve got $50!” a friend shouts. The group laughs and then gets worried because they know I can’t physically handle that many shots. My ego might.
“Very funny. But no, I’ll only match your $1 with $1 and a shot. If you don’t want to donate, that’s totally kosher. If you want to donate more than once, then you have to find someone who hasn’t donated and “buy” their donation in order to get me to take another shot.”
A friend pulled me aside and asked,”Well hold on, why are you doing this? This is random.”
“See, fund-raising and donations have always been an awkward thing with me. There are so many causes out there that are worth donating to and are also constantly asking for money, like helping stray pets or helping abused women and children or stealing from the “1%” to give to the “99%” that it’s sometimes hard to decide. I mean if you don’t donate then you’re a selfish bastard and if you oblige every donation request then you’re broke before the end of the month. I decided to think of a different approach to fundraising that didn’t just tug at your emotions but also piqued your curiosity (e.g. I wonder if Alex is a mean drunk). This way, if you donate then it’s for a good cause and you see the host of the party vomit a wonderful combination of words and pizza. If you don’t donate then that means you care about my well-being and realize that liver cloning is decades from being perfected.”
The narrative ends there but before I go any further, I want to thank all those who donated and especially those who didn’t. It’s a win-win that none can deny. If you donated then you were allowed to write your name on this whiteboard paper, and if I took your shot then I put a checkmark next to your name. You can tell who my best friends are because they kept erasing the checkmark next to their name:
I think there were about 20 people total that came over and I counted 13 one dollar bills and one 20 dollar bill in the bottle (I’m going to find out who put you in there, Mr. $20). Combined with my match that equates to $66! You can see proof of me giving the money to Courtney (my co-worker’s wife) at her Team In Training page here: http://pages.teamintraining.org/cca/sanloobi12/gwenspage
Here’s a picture in case you’re too scared to click:
Oh and here’s a picture of the donation bottle the day after:
I guess all that’s left to ask is, what kind of drunk am I? Did I start crying and pour my heart out? Did I try to tell you what the five fingers said to the face?